Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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