i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
