I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
