Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
