Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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