Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The Olympian is in my bed
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
