At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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