when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Duck Duck Cougar?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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