My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
