My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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