they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
