eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
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it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
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I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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