Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
