i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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