I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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