Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
