I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
