Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
