the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
