Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?