he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
