I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
