I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
