Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
