I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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