I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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