Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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