I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
