The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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