giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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