Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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