Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(210): View more from Texas

i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(206): View more from Washington

I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

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(714): View more from California

He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.

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(956): View more from Texas

Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.

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(850): View more from Florida

I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.

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