After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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