Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
