I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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