look no pants
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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