And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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