Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
