how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
