mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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