i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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