He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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