Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise