do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
