CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
