M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
