Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
