what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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