Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
