I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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