i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
