Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
