Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
