I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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