i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
