I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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