Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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