he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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