Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
