I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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