ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my sisters under your porch take her home
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
