I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
