I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
