I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
