there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she pinky promised me she was 18
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
